On Feeling Abandoned By The Divine
I have recently returned from a one-year pilgrimage to the Mary Magdalene sites in Southern France, and upon leaving the places soaked in her presence, I've felt abandoned to the deepest core of my being. Abandonment has been a recurring theme in my life and this felt like the greatest abandonment of all.
On my very last day visiting Saint-Maximin in June, I collapsed on the red velvet prayer kneeler facing the encased skull of Mary Magdalene, and I wept. I wept until no tear could escape from me, begging not to be taken from Her. Imploring the Gods to grant me the mercy to stay in Her presence in Provence even though my heart knew it was time to go onward to the U.S. for my work.
Her sacred sites became the birthplace of my power as a Woman and Her forest became the container for my soul to become alive and free.
My heart has been torn from her chest as an orphan is ripped from a mother's womb too early in life, having to recover the pain of mystical intimacy and physical connectivity with the places that were instrumental in my own healing this past year. How could I ever go through with this departure? And would the gaping hole be the same?
I was blinded by my faulty perception...I was focusing on the ways through which I was becoming separate from Her rather than espousing the ways through which I was forever connected to Her.
I was not letting myself see beyond the reality of this world and how my experience of the Sacred and of my Mariam would never be bound by my body and distance.
Since I've arrived in Utah, I have been caught up in the busy doings of settling a new life for my daughters and me. I haven't had very much space in my heart and mind to come back to myself because thoughts of furniture, new schools, and interminable errands inundated my mind every day. For the past few days, I've felt enough space and peace within my mind to finally allow myself to be a container for the stillness of wisdom that wanted to return.
Wisdom is the leading force that gently guides our thoughts into the warmth of our own love. That journey inward needs silence, safety, time, and a space dedicated to that sacred encounter...the merge of our outer world and the firmament of new wisdom budding from our consciousness.
When I meet myself with faith and trust, my connection with Her and my wisdom is easy and unconstricted.
When I meet myself with the frail thoughts of victimhood, I feel the visceral (but also illusory because of my own construct) gap between the Sacred and my awareness of the Sacred.
The sacred mind and heart never departs from us but we move away from its omnipresence. It is closer to us than the very movement of our own breath.
In the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, Mary quotes these words from Jesus: "Be on your guard so that no one deceives you by saying, 'Look over here!' or 'Look over there!' For the child of true Humanity exists within you. Follow it! Those who search for it will find it."
Today, I know that the wisdom I received and drunk from this pasty year is embedded within me. My ability to connect with my inner stream of wisdom can never un-exist within me. It is a blueprint forever in me and it never expires. I can return to Saint-Maximin in spirit and in love because I have already experienced and that memory is in me forever.
Your memories of love are yours forever just like the Sacred is yours forever.
My heart does require wise guidance and restraint from dwelling in the illusion that I have been abandoned.
With the gentleness of our soul, we can take over the reins of our connection with the Sacred again, sinking deeper into the cognizance that the Sacred had been waiting for us to return to the sacred spot within: our high heart.
Sacred comfort and wisdom of the highest order is always only one breath away from our heart. We are always being carried by love, no matter where we are.
We are the carriers of a sacred imprint and we were all chosen to carry it, to use it, to bless with it. It cannot move from us any more than we can move from our own soul.
Once you know you have the brilliance of the Sun within yourself, you no longer need to run from nor towards anything, and that's my hope for me, you, and this world.
May I stay as close as I can to the Love in me.
So much love,