How I Let Go Of Finding My Father To Realize That My Life Is Perfect As It Is

Photo: Staudinger + Franke

Photo: Staudinger + Franke

     I arrived in Normandy at my family's home late last afternoon and I sat down with my aunt after dinner, listening to her amazing story of how she finally found her father when she was 45 years old. I had tried to help her find him back in 2006 when she came to visit in New York as she knew his mother had lived in the States -- near San Francisco to be exact. 

She had hired a NYC detective without any concrete results on the whereabouts of her father. He did confirm that my aunt's grandmother had spent nearly thirty years in the San Francisco area but there was very little information on her son. A few years later, my aunt contacted a top French detective and fourteen months later, he had located her father here in France. She was on vacation in the Dominican Republic when she saw the detective's phone number's ringing on her cell phone. She knew what it meant and her shivers signaled that her life was about to change forever. She picks up the call, shaking. 

"Madame Bernard? I wish to let you know that I have found your father. I have his address, his phone number, and he lives one hour from you. He is in Paris right now."

One hour away for the past 25 years. She writes her father a long letter and they meet in Paris 10 days later.

She takes a few minutes to breathe and relax after parking in front of his said address and she sees an older man leaning on the first floor balcony of his 10th district pre-war apartment building. He seems good enough.  "I'd be happy if that man were my father. He has a kind face," she thinks. She calls him to inform him that she is downstairs. It was, in fact, that man standing on the balcony, looking out for his long-lost daughter to arrive. The last time he saw her she was only six months old, fifty years ago. They hug and the bond is immediately rescinded as they touch.

The void that lived in her through her existence was instantly filled. They shared the upward curving of their fingertips and the same upper lip shape.      

Papa was a word she had never uttered.  

Tears rise up up to flood my eyes as I feel her emotions through my own fatherless heart. I was so happy for her because I can't even begin to imagine what it would feel like to find my own unknown father. I don't even have a name to begin with. 

She revealed some crucial information on my father last night. I had been told from several sources that my mother got pregnant with me after she fell in love with an Israeli robber in Paris. She was missing for months and when she came back to Normandy, she was pregnant. What I didn't know was that the miscarried after she came home from Paris so that the baby made in Paris was not me. My aunt clearly remembers my great-grandfather picking up my mother from the hospital after her tragic stay. 

She was devastated. 

Then I remembered the image of a man who came to say goodbye when I was about 4 years old when I was my mother's low income housing in Normandy -- in a neighborhood called La Madeleine. I still remember the dress I was wearing and the sentiment that him and I shared a special love has never ever left me. I know that it was my father. He kneeled down to my level and said he had to leave me and that he was so sorry. 

My aunt said that I should't give up hope of finding him. There's always a possibility. 

I have suffered intensely from not having a father. My entire life until a few years ago but did I want to re-open the wounds that were healed? Did I want to hope for something I had accepted a long time ago...potentially taking the risk to have my hopes crushed under the weight of my fate again? 

I hit my knees together and prayed before falling sleeping. 

"Dear God, long ago I accepted that you were the one and true Father for me. If I am meant to find my dad in this lifetime, will you guide me? I don't know that I wish to re-open old wounds but I am open to the unknown. I place the triumphs and the tragedies of this day into the light of your Will."

I woke up this morning and I didn't have any emotions on the topics. I didn't feel any desire to find him and nor did I feel any sadness either. My inner state was a serene, still, no tides lake of peace. 

I didn't have a father, and so what? I have two outstanding daughters, I am working on insanely meaningful stories right now and feel infinitely blessed to have that work, I am healthy, I am at peace with myself, I am living my best life right now so what else did I want? 

PERFECTION. 

I wanted perfection. I was expecting PERFECTION from my dear life and that's just not a kind nor fair thing to ever expect from life if we want to love it truly. That release from perfection dropped at the bottom of my interior well and my view on my life has shifted yet another degree. 

Expectations block the passage of love. If I place such unfair expectations upon my own life then it means that I do not love it as it is and that's an unkindly attitude towards myself. 

And where did this idea come from that my entire had to be perfect in every area anyway?

Perfect is a rat race that one can never win because we can have it all but not at the same time. Expecting life to be perfect is shooting ourselves in the soul every living moment. And we are not about that dear ones. We want to be kind to life...to liberate from all impediment and oppression to be anything else other than what it wants to be. 

That's true love. 

I don't need to know my father for my life to be perfect. I don't need my life to perfect everywhere for it to be worth loving.

It is so perfectly right the way it is now. So much more so than I could ask for. I've decided to let life live its course through me. I have let it off the hook for once and for all. My precious life...I was placing so many heavy expectations on it...not allowing it to be itself in order to show me how much its loved me. 

So from now on, I believe that dropping the perfection tag from all expectations is the key to living my truest life...free to be and do and give whatever it desires for me.

My life begins truly now because I have unlocked all future possibilities, stories, lovers, encounters to meet me in the most authentic timing that is vertically, divinely decided for me only.

I am holding the key to loving my very own life for the first time -- perfection is no longer holding it.  

The waves of peace bouncing against my heart right now is confirmation of it. 

 

Sending you all the love in the universe right here and now. 

L. 

 

 

 

 

     

Lyna Rose