Don't Push The Love Away: On Healing From A Breakup (what I wished I had known all along).
When you try to heal from a separation, it is not your love for them that hurts, it is your attempt to push that love away that hurts.
I was helping a friend sorting her emotions through an abrupt breakup yesterday and I sure wish I had know all along what I am about to write here. My humble experience with healing from breakups (God knows I've had PLENTY of opportunities to refine my breakup tools) is as follow. May it soothe your heart and refill your love tank if you are getting back up from a breakup right now.
For me, dropping into my body to really feel my emotions on the deepest possible level has been the fundamental tool to move forward and grow the healthiest way possible. But once I was able to feel my feelings, meet them at the socket of my heart and face them, then what??
What I am about to share with you was my major AHA moment and it turned everything around in my healing process.
If you are going through a breakup right or a separation of any kind, don't push away the remnants of that love quite yet. Just read what I have to say, try it, then let me know what comes up, please.
The heart...we rush it to expel emotions and love often faster than it is ready to let go.
Because someone's lack of physical presence hurt through the core of our soul, we suddenly decide that ripping that love from our heart will alleviate the intolerable pain but it doesn't.
It only aggravates the pain (that was news to me too).
The belief that pulling that love out of our heart relieves heartache is an egoic illusion because the ego believes in separation so of course its solution to cure emotional pain is to push away further, harder, and faster. The ego convinces us that love only exists on the level of form and that love departs as soon as the other person leaves, whether they leave on a trip or leave for good. The ego and the heavy baggage from our emotional past keep us stuck on the body of the relationship rather than its substance, and leads us to overlook the real cross-link of relationships: the invisible LOVE that joins us.
For endless decades, I was blind to the fact that the attempt to yank the love for my ex-partner out of my heart was exactly what was ripping it apart. The removal of love from my very own heart was the painful experience but I was under the spellbound belief that my love for my him was the source of pain.
It was never so -- that love was exactly what my heart needed to recover from the physical breakup. Once I practiced living with that love even after he left...giving my heart some time to heal and empowering my heart to do what it needed to do to grow in strength and wisdom was the most loving act I had done. And surely, in time...I healed...without any bitter and psychotic aftertaste that I would carry into my future relationships.
Because the more love we feel, the more we are able to heal ourselves.
The challenging practice here is to distinguish the pain of losing the beloved familiar...from no longer having the person in our life, no longer having breakfast together or laughing at the same stupid jokes, no longer calling each other every night, and no longer seeing his name light up our phone screen. It is the departure from the known, the safe, the old, and the safe haven of our intimate bond with that person. Maybe we entered that relationships in order to get what we could get out of and that paradigm ultimately leads to pain because we are the ones sourcing what we truly need.
Perhaps another healing balm for our heart and theirs is the gift that we couldn't offer in the midst of the relationship: unconditional love without expectations.
But the love we feel towards that person cannot hurt us.
To the contrary, our heart needs it until it grows stronger where that love emerge.
Who is to say that our heart has a limited amount of storage for Love?
I am thoroughly convinced that the heart will evacuate what it needs to release in its own timing.
Let it stay there, a little longer.
That love you shared...don't call it names, don't curse it, don't regret it, don't condemn it.
Let your heart use that love for itself.
Let it stay there.